By Julie Cohen, PCC
I’ve worked since the age of 13 — throughout high school, college and graduate school, for 10 years in traditional, professional environments, and for the past 15 in my own business — with only three months of semi-maternity leave when my son was born 14 years ago.
I’ve written a book, been quoted in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, and sold services to Fortune 100 companies. All of this pales in comparison to the professional news I received six months ago. It wasn’t a big deal closing, a client’s success or a great media opportunity. It was that my husband lost his job!
As a working parent whose partner also works full time, most professional challenges and opportunities require examining multiple — and often conflicting — priorities, responsibilities and commitments.
When my son was born, I was already running my own business out of my home. As the parent with the most flexibility and autonomy, I willingly took on the role of primary caregiver. This usually worked well. I adjusted my schedule to accommodate sick days, snow days and volunteering at school. I took the lead on doctor visits, cooking and afterschool activities support. Some of this was by choice and much, by default. My husband was still active, engaged and present in our home and our son’s life, but the past six months, since he lost his job, have been life changing.
After the initial shock of my husband’s job loss, we regrouped and developed his plan forward [just one of the benefits of being married to a career and leadership coach]. Rather than re-enter the job market, he would start consulting, with the goal of working four days a week for clients, and the rest of the time supporting my business and taking over much of the home and parenting responsibilities.
The timing was perfect. I successfully launched a new part of my business last year, which requires additional hours, focus and travel. I needed more help and support, and more important, more flexibility, time and energy.
Before, when my responsibilities expanded, I would stretch myself thinner, juggle better, sleep less and give up workouts. This process of unconditionally taking more on had repercussions — a constant anxious churning as I struggled to hold our life together.
Now, my husband is working from home more often and has taken on many of the day-to-day responsibilities that previously fell on me — dog walking, trips to the post office or dry cleaner, carpooling, and the morning rush with our teenager.
What has changed?
That nagging, omnipresent voice in my head is gone—the one that was constantly checking off mental to do lists. Although I will never stop being concerned about the million and one details relating to my son, my marriage, my home and my community, now they are not solely — or even primarily — my responsibility. When my husband takes care of something, it is because it’s part of his new role in our family; he is not merely doing me a ‘favor.’
With someone else acting as the primary caregiver and homemaker, my worry has diminished dramatically. When I am supposed to be working, I am. And, with uninterrupted time to devote to my work, I am more present in all aspects of my life, fueled by more sustainable energy.
I no longer feel guilty going to the gym each morning. I sleep better and more, and with this better health, feel closer to my husband — a win-win for all.
What has really changed? Our deal — the one each couple makes (explicitly or implicitly) about who will do what and how they feel about it. In my work, I coach others to be mindful and deliberate in determining their needs, values and priorities. When my husband’s professional life threw us a curveball, we stopped, paused and hit reset. We reconsidered our situation within the context of our lives today, not 14 years ago when our son was born. As a result, we created our own “New Deal,” one that works for my expanding business, his entrepreneurial spirit, and our son.
We had discussed such a shift as a future possibility, but I don’t think we would have taken the leap if life hadn’t knocked us out of our status quo. His loss of work has given each of us something we’d wanted and made life better for our entire family.
I have the support at home many men need from their wives to enable them to single-mindedly pursue their business dreams, and my husband has the time and space to enjoy our family and home, while still engaging in fulfilling work.
